The Bottom Line Safe driving means being able to spot and avoid problem drivers
before they become a problem.
INTRODUCTION
Okay, I need to preface this list a bit. Yes, I fully realize that this list is
a generalization. But it is a fully accurate generalization, and one that has
yet to be proven wrong. What is that? You say you are one of the drivers on
this list but you don't fit the description? I hate to tell you this, but yes
you do.
Now, this list is broken down by automobile type. The reason is simple ?each car out there attracts a specific type of
person, and all persons owning a specific car (say, a Toyota Camry) fall into a
driver type. This is fact. Now, you may argue that this is impossible, since
there exists a huge disparity between all of the Camry
drivers by location, age, sex, race, etc. True, but the personality is the
same. Thus a 40 year old Inuit woman from
Aha! I see where you think you've got me now. What about the driver who changes
cars? The one who used to drive a Ford Taurus and who now drives a Saab? Surely
they are the same driver, no?
No.
The driver has changed his fundamental driving type, and like the snake
shedding its skin to grow a better fitting one, the driver has to shed his old
car for one better matching his new, evolved diving personality. Also, the car
itself will often dictate the driving style. All things being equal, a person
who used to drive a Hyundai will drive differently if they now own a Porsche.
So, you just have to accept that my findings are accurate, and that if you
drive one of the cars below, I am painting a very Rockwell-esque
picture of you.
METHODOLOGY
Now, how did I come up with this list? Well, nearly 20 years of driving the
streets, alleys, off-road trails, freeways and dirt roads of
1/ Aggressiveness, (Agg) which measures how likely
the car/driver will be to cut you off, challenge you for position on the
freeway, run a red, etc.
2/ Attention, (Att) which measures whether the driver
actually knows where they are on the road, where they are going, and how likely
they will be more interested in adjusting the stereo or talking on their phone
than realizing that their lane ends.
3/ Courtesy, (Crt) which measures the likelihood of
your getting the "I'm sorry" wave from the driver after a
particularly bad screw up, the "thank you" nod when you let them in,
or if they will allow you in front of them when you desperately need to change
lanes.
4/ A-hole quotient, (AQ). This simply measures the
degree of how big an A-hole the driver is overall, and transcends the driving.
This covers whether the driver sneers at you, or if they give you the finger
even after you give them the "thank you" wave. It is a broad
category, and is the most subjective of them all.
Each category is rated on a ten point scale, with 10 being the worst (i.e. the
most aggressive, lowest attention, least courteous and biggest A-hole). Okay,
now you have the background. Shall we begin?
Good. The Fez Monkey complete guide to the ten worst drivers is as follows:
RANKINGS
10: Ford Explorer. Agg: 3 Att:
4 Crt: 2 AQ: 4
By and large, Explorer drivers are decent people, who just seem to lose their
heads now and again. However, the driving population is severely split between
suburban women/soccer moms and young first-jobbers. The soccer moms are the
ones that keep the Explorer from being ranked higher in the list, as they tend
to severely lower both the Aggression and Courtesy quotient. Young fist jobbers
(generally mid-20's white guys who just landed their first sales rep gig and
want to show off) use the explorer as a way to advertise their testosterone,
and really have no idea of how to handle a larger vehicle. However, they do not
yet have the engrained A-holiness to be overly aggressive, nor
the insurance to allow them to be.
9: VW Beetle. Agg: 2 Att: 6
Crt: 4 AQ: 4
Young girls, young homosexuals, whites, and Asians tend to be drawn to this
car. Don't ask me why, but it is true. It is probably because of the design of
the car, and the colors available. Whatever, this is a remarkably popular
vehicle for the young and hip. The type of people who tend not to pay attention
to the road or their place on it because they are young and still a bit stupid,
and who have more attitude than sense. However, these people are also basically
harmless on the road, because although they are completely unaware of their
surroundings, they are not malicious. If you see a Beetle, you know to beware,
because it will inevitably change lanes without signaling, or suddenly make a
right turn. But at least you may get a wave.
8: Acura (Any Model). Agg: 5 Att:
5 Crt: 7 AQ: 5
Acuras have become the chosen car of the wanna-be cool. They are just expensive enough to keep most
first jobbers away from them, but not expensive enough to be considered a
status symbol any more (that is the place for the Lexus now). For a long time, Acuras were the choice of young, rich, Asian kids, but now
they are pan-ethnic in appeal. The loss of status in the name-plate means that
now, all those kids who want to seem cool can get one. Acura drivers like to
trick the car out by blacking the windows, lowering the car, and installing the
thumper system so you could hear one coming from a mile away. Acura drivers
tend to drive like they want to make a point about how cool they are, and they
often are so preoccupied with the bass levels of their stereos, that they end
up drifting into your lane. Also, drivers of Acuras
tend to adopt the nearly-flat reclined position, where they can just barely
reach the steering wheel and pedals, sacrificing vehicle control for image. The
drivers tend to be young, teens and early 20's, use a lot of hair gel, and wear
sunglasses even at night.
7: Chevy Camaro. Agg: 7 Att: 5 Crt:
6 AQ: 7
Ah, the Camaro. The last stand of
the Mullet. This, once proud example of
6: Ford Expedition. Agg: 7 Att:
6 Crt: 7 AQ: 7
Ford Expedition drivers are Ford Explorer drivers gone bad. Actually, they are
Explorer drivers who no longer want to be associated with the kind of car
driven by soccer moms. These divers are the ones who are now junior sales
partners, and have to celebrate by getting a bigger truck to house their bigger
egos. They are almost exclusively white, early 30's, with a cell-phone
permanently attached to their ear, and no concept of anyone else on the road.
It's not that they are unobservant, it's that they
just don't care about you. Their car is bigger than yours, and they have an
important sales meeting to get to, so you'd better get out of their way. Their
attitude is the driving force for their aggression on their road (they NEED to
get to that meeting, you don't). Their lack of courtesy is often the direct
result of the fact that they don't see you. Again, not that they can't see you,
but that they won't see you because they have to get to that meeting! If it
weren't for the pressure of their meeting their numbers every quarter, these
guys would be more relaxed, and lower on the list. But they have that sales
contest where first prize is a new Cadillac, second prize is a set of steak
knives, and third prize is that they are fired, so you had just better get out
of their way.
5: Ford Mustang. Agg: 8 Att:
5 Crt: 8 AQ: 8
The Mustang driver is what the Camaro driver wants to
be. Hipper, richer, better dressed, and with prettier girlfriends than his
Mullet-cousin, the Mustang driver is the adolescent boy gone wild. The Mustang
driver comes in every ethnicity, although there tends to be slightly more white
and Latino drivers than others. Teen angst and a near insane need for a cool
image are what make this driver what he is. For him, every inch of the road is
a private race-track. The only reason the Attention levels rate comparatively
low for this driver, is that he doesn't want to ding his car, cause he spent all weekend polishing and waxing it to
impress the chicks when he cruises on Friday night by the clubs. Otherwise, the
Mustang driver would be in the top three.
4: Mercedes Benz (Any Model). Agg: 7 Att: 8 Crt:
8 AQ: 8
Now we are reaching into the really bad drivers, and the reason has nothing to
do with youth or inherent anger. It has to do with dead presidents, and lots of
them. There is a phenomenon that starts with the Expedition driver, and which
shows a direct correlation between money & status and bad driving. The
reason is the self-importance and overinflated ego of
the driver. After all, they are VPs of major companies and are used to drones
kissing their butts every day for pennies per hour. They get used to it and they like it. Soon they'll be damned if they will tolerate
any sort of equality on the road, and expect that jerk in the Saturn to defer
to their obvious superiority and status. This means that Mercedes drivers have
no qualms about cutting you off, turning left from the far right lane, pulling
out in front of you, or coming to a dead stop to read a billboard with no
forewarning. And never expect any admission of guilt or acknowledgement of you
as a driver. The only reason the MB driver is not in the top three is similar
to the Explorer -- many of the drivers are women, who are less aggressive and
A-holey than the men.
3: Jeep Grand Cherokee. Agg: 8 Att:
8 Crt: 8 AQ: 9
Whatever good qualities the Expedition driver has is lost when it comes to the
Jeep driver. Similarly, whatever bad qualities the Expedition driver has are
magnified in the Jeep driver. And, remarkably, there is no difference between
men & women who drive these cars. Both sexes have an amazingly high
self-involved attitude, and show no inclination that they share the road with
anyone else. It is almost as if Jeep dealers have a screening process to
prevent selling their cars to anyone who doesn't reach some minimum A-hole
level. Jeep drivers consistently forge their own path by merging into a space
that isn't there, forcing other drivers to either collide with them or move
out, and like Expedition drivers, are always on the phone. The only consolation
we can take over this scourge is that we know that their Jeeps will suffer some
major mechanical problem or other within two years of purchase, and that these
drivers will become very good friends with their mechanics.
2: Jaguar (Any Model). Agg: 9 Att:
9 Crt: 9 AQ: 9
This was actually a surprise, given the amount of women drivers of the Jaguar,
but this car has reached that rarified air of the wealthy who just don't give a
damn about the rest of us. After much consideration as to why they rank so high
it finally hit me: They are the same group as the Mercedes drivers, but not as
sophisticated. Mercedes drivers are A-holes, no doubt, but there is almost a
refinement to them that makes them A-holes with class. Jaguar drivers are like nuveau-riche A-holes, who need to be bigger A-holes than
Mercedes drivers just to prove they belong in the same circles. Where Mercedes
drivers cut you off because they don't care about you, Jaguar drivers will cut
you off to make the point that they are better than you. That difference is
what catapulted them over the competition to number two. Many is the time I
have seen a Jaguar driver swiftly change lanes in front of an innocent, then
stare at them in the rear-view mirror as if to challenge the person they just
cut off. Their arrogance is boundless, and has earned them this placement
1:BMW (Any Model). Agg: 10 Att: 10 Crt:
10 AQ: 10
All hail the champion! BMW drivers are bar none, the worst around. They have
managed to achieve that elusive combination of disdain, money, attitude,
disregard for others, and self-importance that no other drivers have. BMW
drivers don't just not care about you ?they HATE you.
They hate having to share the road with any other driver. They hate those who
drive what they consider sub-standard cars (i.e. any car not costing over
$40,000) because they are losers. They hate those who drive Mercedes, Lexus,
etc because they are stuffy or old. They hate those who drive SUVs because they
take up too much room. They hate those who drive Porsches, Corvettes, and other
big-bicks sports cars because those drivers don't
drive fast enough. They even hate other BMW drivers because they can't stand
that anyone else has their car. BMW drivers are generally white 40-somethings
with a wife and three kids, plus a mistress on the side. They tend to be
largely lawyers or investment bankers, whose philosophy is that the world is
here to serve them, and it is doing a bad job of it. They mistreat and underpay
their illegal Honduran or El Salvadoran housekeepers, and consistently
mispronounce their names. Their children are named Kaitlyn
or Brittney or Chase or Brendan. They were all in either fraternities or
sororities, play golf badly, and revere Tiger Woods for being a credit to his
race. They are the scum of the earth, and are truly deserving
the title of the worst drivers around. If you want to have fun, do yourself a
favor and cut a BMW driver off without acknowledging him. Then when he honks
his horn or gesticulates at you, give him the bird. The audacity of your
display will send him into a rage the likes of which will provide you with
hours of enjoyment as you recall how many shades of purple his face became as
he cursed you out for soiling his planet with your existence.
FINAL THOUGHTS
There is one surprise omissions from this list that bears noting. The Cadillac driver. After all, who hasn't been caught
behind one of these American-made behemoths, driving at a leisurely 25 MPH with
the left-turn blinker flashing even though the driver has no intention of
turning? Yes, these drivers are annoying, but they didn't make the list because
their poor driving is due to being old. There is no malice in them. They didn't
cut you off because they hate you, but because they didn't realize they changed
lanes. They aren't driving that slowly because they want to, but because they
have to. Their only high score would come in the Attention category, where they
would get a 10, but everything else would be a 1.
So, there it is. I am sorry if I offended you, but if you are on the list, you
deserve it. I am also sure you want to know what the Monkey drives. I used to
drive a